Meixian said:

hello i know what y'all are all doing now. you're singing "great is His love, great is his everlasting love" in service now(: i get free commentaries from my friend there(:

i donno how to blog in here so i can only leave comments hurhur

i feel the need to update y'all on what's happening at home (which actually is nothing much) and above thanking mingzhu for sharing my testimony to the whole youth congregation, i also need to say how that makes me feel and blahblah, ok here i go:

harvester's great and i don't feel feel quite so alone in this persecution thing and i am thankful, i really am. lately, mingzhu's been informing me of cell meetings and june asked if i was going for service and i didn't reply anything at all. because i don't feel good saying "no i can't" all the time. it feels wrong to keep turning down people who only want the best for you.

i've told lindy bout this. my parents are really actually very strict. all the times i've gone to church, all my excuses were PW (project work). never once did i say im going out with friends or just "to a friend's house" because i dont get permission very easily to just Go Out For Fun. and yesterday when you were all having service, i was at a sec4 cca gathering and even then, when i reached home, my parents wanted to call my friend up and ask if i really was there. i mean like when june was tutoring me for promos, when my dad first met her, the first thing he asked was "are you christian?" and she had to lie that she wasn't simply because my parents are completely against me being friends with christians now. even when my schoolmates aren't spared. even my catholic friends aren't.

of course i want to drop everything and just open the door and go for cell. but i cannot just tell my parents "i'm going to a friend's house" for no reason, and i'm sorry that my parents are so strict.

another thing is right now i'm finding it hard to break out of comfort zone. and i know alot of times being a christian is about going out of our comfort zones but this is how things are right now ok: (i've told jeremy ABIT about this) my parents and i never got along and now somehow, my faith has cooled down my temper alot and in face of criticisms and being put down, i can now turn everything around and just take everything lightly knowing that no matter what they say, i know they love me. and my relationship with my parents has just started becoming smooth and i know slowly but steadily, trust is being built up again (since the saturday they found out i've been lying to them just to go to church) and i am really very unwilling to have to lie to them to go to church again. i never wanted to lie anyway just to go to cell/church and worship God. why must i? it's not right. but yet inside me, i so badly want to go too. and that's my dilemma.

and my sister shares my sentiments in this: that underneath it all, no matter how much they persecute us, we still love our parents. and i really know that if i were to, along with the support of the church, 'emerge victorious' and be able to go to church freely, i know it will be them i am hurting. then i will make them feel like they've failed as parents and I REALLY DONT WANT TO.

maybe the real obstacle isn't really my parents. maybe it's that thing in me that makes me unwilling to hurt them in all that i do.

i haven't gotten arouund to tidying my thoughts yet, this is The Jumbled Up Version. it's just something i have to say, i'm not particularly looking for answers as well. i don't feel the need to understand anything because He knows it all, i can just trust. i'm contented enough doing my QT behind a locked door but i still wanna meet y'all soon, yet i donno how without lying to my parents.

thank you for the relacement card. i'll just keep believing that GOD WILL MAKE A WAY WHEN THERE SEEMS TO BE NO WAY and pray that He will tell me what to do soon.

Love(: